In many gender and sexuality discussions, men’s needs and perspectives are often left out of the conversation when it comes to identity struggles. Jane Fonda did not let that happen this past week when she openly discussed masculinity and the friend zone in a speech on March 7, at the International Conference on Masculinities.

“Masculinity, as it’s defined now, is toxic,” Fonda said. And she’s right to address the problem with how masculinity is defined today. Masculinity, as part of a gender identity, puts intense pressure on individuals to act in a specific manner.

Virile, macho, powerful, red-blooded and aggressive are just some of the words commonly tied to masculinity. These words are just as deadly as the adjectives that describe femininity—delicate, gentle and pretty. Both sides are set to lose when they can only express half of their identity.

Fonda explained that through her research for her book, “Being a Teen” she interviewed men who shared anxiety over how women and other men perceived their masculinity.  They had, “a lot of fear around their masculinity, if they were seen as too soft or too relational,” Fonda said.

At a young age boys are told not to cry, as if crying is innately feminine. Once boys grow up they are told to be competitive, aggressive and above all, manly. Expecting an entire gender to suppress their emotions is beyond obtuse, yet I still hear some of my peers and closest friends say, “I would never date a man who cries.”

Not only is this phrase cringe-worthy; it is a ridiculous expectation to put on a human being. If college students admit they would not date men who show emotion, they are contributing to a major problem. This problem is the friend zone.

Some feminists believe the friend zone is a phrase men use who feel they are wronged by women. These men feel entitled to a woman’s affection, and when not given, they claim they have been put in the friend zone. Others, like Fonda, disagree and believe that the friend zone is a result of women’s faulty perception of masculinity.

Both arguments are valid in different scenarios. Yes, some men expect their attention toward women to warrant sexual advances and get upset when that doesn’t work out. But other times there are genuine, expressive men who are disregarded by women because they are not strong, tough or manly enough. The latter scenario can create a change in how men treat others around them, including women, when they are told that any speck of emotion is undesirable. Without falling down the slippery slope that thrusts the blame on women, it’s important to acknowledge how society can shape gender identities and expectations.

But masculinity is just the side effect of the true ailment. “The wound is patriarchy,” Fonda said. “It has caused men to bifurcate and it has robbed them of humanity. And the going wisdom is that that’s just the way men are. Boys will be boys, and that’s how men are, and it’s women who are mature and emotional.”

If we all keep this backward ideology that men must have a stiff upper lip and harbor all emotion while only women can be expressive, no one succeeds. Men must not feel shame when crying or expressing how they feel. It is human to express emotion, it is shameful that we as a society have allowed and encouraged men for this long to fear sentiment.

Julia Smith is a junior newspaper and online journalism and sociology dual major. Her column appears weekly. She can be reached at jcsmit11@syr.edu and followed on Twitter @jcsmith711.

Published on March 16, 2015 at 12:56 am