When I was in kindergarten, we held mock elections for president. I didn’t really understand what was going on, but they had cupcakes so I didn’t fight it. The teacher explained a little bit about each candidate, and then we went up and voted. When it was my turn, I carefully considered everything the teacher had said, then voted for the guy with the best hair.

Ten years and one receding hairline later, I realized something: Karma sucks.

I’m a few years older now (physically, anyway), and I have a better idea about the presidential qualities I’m looking for. Presence, eloquence, intelligence, honesty, being a smoking hot babe smitten with me…these are all keys to getting my vote. The presidential election is pretty much a lost cause on that front, but there is still hope: I need a president of my fan club.

I also need a fan club, but one thing at a time.

I recently interviewed several candidates for the club – describing the position and likely duties. The first one was very hot, but was unfortunately knocked from the running when she demonstrated an abysmal lack of skill at fanning me with a palm frond.

The second girl was very nice, though I suspect English may not have been her first language based on our discussion of her responsibilities. While she may have made an excellent secretary, security would probably not have been her forte at 4 feet 10 inches and 90 pounds. It would have been a lot like a teddy bear with a rocket launcher. Sure, you would respect the threat, but your first reaction would still be ‘Awww, how cute.’

There were several other candidates, but unfortunately none of them quite fit the bill. There’s a good chance I would have better results if I didn’t conduct the interviews at 1 a.m. in Chucks, but I haven’t lost hope. Feel free to e-mail me and set up a meeting (don’t forget to bring a palm frond).

Consumed though I was with my fan club, I did remember to get out and vote on Tuesday. I’ll admit that on the way to the polls, I was not entirely sure for whom I would vote. Luckily, there were several people waving signs to make my decision for me.

The sign-waving thing is a handy little tool. Later this week, I plan to select a religion using the same method. (As an aside, I never knew there were so many different words for ‘whore’ until I talked to one of those guys. I’m tied between ‘red-headed strumpet’ and ‘wanton jezebel’ for a favorite.)

I am, of course, kidding about deciding my vote this way. In my opinion, if you’re standing on the street corner waving a sign, it better have the word ‘homeless’ on it somewhere. Otherwise, you are doing the same job as a signpost, and quite frankly the signpost does it a lot better than you.

Needless to say, I wanted to make sure I was more prepared this time around than I was in kindergarten. I carefully researched the issues, made a list of pros and cons, and applied some critical thinking to the candidates’ positions. On November 4, the decision was simple.

I voted for the guy with the best hair.

Holden Fenner is a junior at the School of Information Studies. He has a new Web site where you can read the original text of his articles (now with 20 percent more Holden than other leading brands!). He can be reached at htfenner@syr.edu.

Published on November 5, 2008 at 12:00 pm