Course registration for college students is a lot like Christmas for a 5-year-old. You research, plan and connive for months on how to get a replica M1A2 Abrams tank with a scale 120mm smoothbore barrel and depleted uranium rounds, but instead, you get a knitted sweater from grandma. (Just for the record, warmth does nothing for you when Splinter and Godzilla are overrunning your position in the southwest corner of the sandbox and you have no armor support, something which you can be sure I pointed out to Santa in my letter the following July.)

Still, you can always dream, and to help with your course registration dreams, I’ve prepared a short summary of some of my own class experiences.

PHY 221: General Physics Lab ILet me be clear: I suck at physics. I realized this the day I walked into class, looked at the board, and asked what the Jesus fish was. This was also the day I found out I was probably not cut out for Greek Life.

This is not to say that physics isn’t interesting. Professor Sampere does a lot of cool experiments, including firing a ping pong ball through several aluminum cans. My god. That man must have a hell of a Beirut shot.

He likes to call students down to the front of the room a lot, which in Stolkin causes you to have a bit of a ‘The Price is Right’ flashback. I really expect him to end lecture one of these days with a reminder that our homework is due the next day and to get our pets spayed or neutered. Given the variety and volume of things that he has produced from the back room, I would not be shocked if he didn’t roll out two showcases someday.

WRT 105/205A reasonably bright monkey could pass these courses. Of course, a monkey could also supposedly type ‘Hamlet’ if left alone in a room long enough, so this is something of a loose standard. (What I want to know is who taught the monkey to type to begin with, but nobody ever seems to know.)

I don’t recommend them, but you don’t have a choice. Since I’ve already taken them, I’ll just enjoy your pain from over here on the sidelines, perhaps with a side of chocolate sauce.

CFS 388: Human SexualityNo, there is no lab component. Yes, we were all disappointed. It also doesn’t credit independent study, no matter who videotaped it or what measurements you provide.

Still, you should take the class. Not that you really needed convincing. Let’s face it: if you ever have the choice between this or astronomy, it’s a pretty fair bet that you couldn’t give a damn if you ever have the chance to redeem Pluto’s good name.

Calculus IIAs I understand it, there are actually people who enjoy this class. If you are one of these people, I would like tell you from the very bottom of my heart: get yourself a CT scan.

I had to take this course back when SU and I were still under the ridiculous misconception that I had any sort of value in the field of computer science. I passed, but it turns out passing is a pretty broad term.

Note: if you should be sitting in this class and your phone starts playing the ‘Mission: Impossible’ theme, do not let it keep playing no matter how badly you want to be a secret agent. Everybody sleeping around you is going to be pissed.

Good luck with registration. And if anybody is fishing for Christmas ideas, I never did get that tank.

Holden Fenner is a junior at the School of Information Studies. He has found that you can both run and hide; in fact, it’s a tenet of the game Hide and Seek. He can be reached at htfenner@syr.edu or www.holdenfenner.com.

Published on November 12, 2008 at 12:00 pm