I saw an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a while the other day. She came running up to me, gave me a big hug and asked if I was surprised to see her.I was. In fact, I believe my exact words were:’What the hell happened to you? Did you get into a tanning booth and set it to ‘radioactive’? You know you’re supposed to get out once the smoke alarms start going off, right? My God, if you were any shorter, I’d have to call Willy Wonka and let him know you escaped.’I am nothing if not charming.Unfortunately, she was not nearly as mature about the situation as I had hoped. The doctors say the finger marks will go away in two to three weeks. I just hope I didn’t get radiation poisoning.I can’t make too much fun of the time girls spend trying to look good, because it does work (here I am thinking of Alyson Hannigan). They have the whole smell and hair and skin thing. I have clean clothes, and on a good day, they even match.For girls, it does not happen magically. It is a lengthy process that often occurs when you are 30 minutes late to dinner.I never knew exactly what this process required until we had our shower replaced at my house. A plumber came over, looked at the bathroom and announced our bathtub was too heavy for the second story, where it was located. He would be back in a week to replace it.I was not happy about this. For the next week, my shower was replaced with calculations of how to have the best chance of surviving a fall through the bathroom floor while naked in a tub.When we finally had a new shower, I was the first to use it. I brought my entire collection of things I use to shower (a bottle of body wash). I took my shower, threw on some deodorant and was good to go.When I came back the next day to shower, I found a Bath and Body Works grand opening. Among other things, there were loofahs, pumice stones, acne treatments, six shampoos and eight conditioners. If I were a rabbit, I would have started a hit list with my roommate right at the top.All in all: Girls, keep right on doing whatever it is you are doing. It’s great; it’s working, big round of applause and all of that. Just a teensy, tiny pointer – the reservations are for 6 o’clock.Just saying.

Holden Fenner is a junior at the School of Information Studies. No Oompa-Loompa’s were harmed in the writing of this column. He can be reached at htfenner@syr.edu.