I went home to visit my parents last week. This is because I love my parents and wanted to see them. Also, I was running out of food.

When I got there, I was greeted by our small herd of dogs.

I should explain this. My parents have a total of three kids. We have all moved out within the past three years, and before we did, they had one dog. Now we have zero kids and four dogs. Now, I’m not real great at math, but…

I’m not terribly happy about this, either. The dog who replaced me runs into walls. A lot. Not that I don’t still love her, but you start to recognize that perhaps she should wear padding. This is the kind of thing that happens when your mother believes in hosting the local zoo.

Her menagerie is not limited to dogs. At one point, we had eight cats, four dogs and two rabbits. She is down to one cat and one rabbit, but is filling the gap by feeding every squirrel and bird within 3 square miles.

She actually started by feeding the birds, but that was essentially the same as feeding the squirrels.

At first, she fought the squirrels.

We could have started a federal penitentiary in our backyard by the time she got finished. The squirrels thought this was all very funny, and regarded the entire contraption as their own personal jungle gym.

So my mother came to the natural conclusion: ‘If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.’ She was not the only one who lost her mind. There were places for her to buy food explicitly for the squirrels.

So now they are at the point where hawks land on their back fence to watch the squirrels.

For hawks, it’s like a guy looking at 30-pound steaks. The squirrels are completely unafraid of the hawks. They know the hawks will never try to eat them.

This is because though hawks may not understand physics, they sure as hell know what a fat squirrel looks like. These squirrels take a much larger predator, such as a polar bear or perhaps Godzilla.

So my mom has pretty much lost it where animals are concerned.

My father, on the other hand, seems to be taking the cycle of life literally. He is, as far as I can tell, devolving back into a 5-year-old.

His fascination with fart jokes is quite possibly unparalleled within Onondaga County. Everybody at work is impressed, mostly because he works at an elementary school.

He also has a major problem with thieves. They are constantly in the house; just the other night, they stole his reading glasses. Like most thieves, of course, they later returned them to the place where he last had them.

For the most part, it is my mother who has pushed to get more animals.

My father does have one favorite: Zoe, an Australian Sheppard. She is very smart. She knows this and has succeeded in getting away with anything her little heart desires. If any other dog puts his nose up to the table, he is immediately yelled at by my father for begging. If Zoe puts her nose up to the table, she must be hungry.

We’re looking into nursing homes.

Holden Fenner is a junior in the School of Information Studies. He has learned a lot here at Syracuse University and would love to share it with you all for the low, low price of $120,000. That’s what it cost him, anyway. He accepts all major credit cards and can be reached at htfenner@gmail.com.

Published on October 22, 2008 at 12:00 pm