I have lived in Syracuse my entire life.

Actually, I have lived near Syracuse my entire life. The difference is that where I lived before, we pretty much considered it a crime spree if a cow got tipped over two nights in a row. (That’s not something to be taken lightly; the gross domestic product of South Onondaga dropped by at least 10 percent that week.)

This is not the only challenge I was faced with when I came to school. I was also confronted with the age-old question that has plagued college students for years: beer or food? Inevitably this question will find you sitting down at a table with the food pyramid trying to figure out how many sections you can fill with beer.

‘Let’s see, bread and grains – well, it is a wheat ale. Check.’

These are not the only things that have changed since I moved. For example, I have no proof, but evidence has led me to believe that socks are planning a coup. I have arrived at this conclusion after years of careful study in which socks have emerged in places that I certainly did not leave them.

The other day, I found one in the refrigerator. This was most likely a scout sent to discover human dietary needs. Judging by the refrigerator in my house, these needs mainly consist of beer, pizza and a jar of mayonnaise that expired in 2005. Every once in a while you may find a vegetable; this is a red herring to throw the socks off the trail.

And unfortunately, I live with two girls who don’t buy packs of socks so much as small herds of them. But luckily we have a dryer, the natural predator of the sock, to keep this dangerous population in check.

We’ve made several other wise moves to protect our property and ourselves. For example, instead of investing our money in a savings account, we have elected to exchange it for empty beer cans and bottles scattered across the house. The biggest problem with this plan thus far has been that they don’t come empty; this has taken hard work on our part to fix.

We’ve also read several studies linking unsanitary conditions to increased likelihood of becoming ill. But my roommate wisely pointed out the old adage that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and that in these troubled times of biological and chemical scares, our immune systems need to be hardened to these threats. The results have been spectacular. At this point, my immune system can basically laugh off anthrax. Of course, we lost a couple of roommates during this process (may they rest in peace), but it’s a small price to pay for good health.

Despite all of our plans, however, sometimes a situation comes up for which we are ill prepared. Here I am referring to the bug situation. Anybody who has ever lived with a girl has had a ‘bug situation.’

For the rest of you lucky souls, I’ll elaborate. As you may have guessed, a bug got into our house. Admittedly, this bug did not resemble anything I had ever seen. It had 10 legs, wings and what appeared to be a stinger. My lack of recognition didn’t particularly shock me; we live near Onondaga Lake. New species are bound to emerge. Frankly, I’m more shocked that nobody has developed superpowers yet than that we had an unidentified bug in our living room.

This bug was not bothering anyone. He was merely sitting on the ceiling, thinking tiny little bug-like thoughts. But that didn’t matter. Naturally, the girls wanted him dead. This bug could have cured cancer. These girls would rather endure chemo than allow this poor creature to live.

However, no matter how much the girls want the bug dead, they will have no part in the killing. If there is not somebody else around to do this killing, the girls will run away and wait. If this means locking themselves in their room and surviving on paper and various body butters until somebody arrives, they will make this sacrifice.

So my roommate and I armed ourselves with the traditional weapons of the bug warrior: brooms (and in his case, a beer). It wasn’t pretty, but in the end I’m proud to report that we triumphed.

I just hope I never get sick.

Holden Fenner is a junior in the School of Information Studies. If anybody needs to know, he did it for the lulz. He can be reached at htfenner@syr.edu.

Published on September 17, 2008 at 12:00 pm