Funny how?

If you’re looking for a movie to take a date, or even prospective date, to, look no further than ‘The Bucket List.’

I know I’m a bit late, but I got around to seeing this ‘hysterical’ comedy this past weekend, and may I say, it was a joyride. Terminally ill patients, recycled jokes and a Morgan Freeman voiceover. The only thing it was missing was some zany Ben Stiller cameo.

Alright, fine, maybe it’s not the best choice for wooing a female. I don’t know why I even saw the movie to begin with. To be fair, the writing was on the wall, and people even warned me against it.

Initially I asked my dad to go with me.

‘You try turning 60, and see if you want to go see a movie about two terminally ill patients.’

Fair enough.

That Saturday night was easily the most depressing Saturday night of my life. There, I am, in a crowded movie theater, with two of my friends, and I’m almost in tears at the end of this movie.

I don’t know what it was that I expected. It wasn’t as if there was really any chance for anything different to happen. The word ‘terminal’ really only means one thing when it comes to sickness.

Really, if you want to mess with an older relative, take them to see this movie. It’s a sort of ‘stay-away-from-the-light’ film.

‘Alright Grandpa, we’re going to go see ‘The Bucket List,’ I just figured you’d like to know what’s on-deck.’

That being said, while I did expect to contract a disease on the ride home, I can’t wait to get old. For clarification purposes, when I say old, I’m really talking about people that are older than 75.

Once you’ve reached a certain age, you can really just do whatever you want, within reason.

For instance, a few years back I was at a family party where, to gain entry, you had to say which way you voted in the Dewey-Truman election. I’m eating something, talking to someone and out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman doing some sort of shimmying. Turns out, she was just taking her leg off so she could sit in comfort. That’s all, just removing a leg.

Younger than 75, you get a look for scratching your nose. Older than 75, limbs can be removed without a second glance.

My grandmother, while we were eating dessert at my house, once sneezed so hard her teeth came out. We all laughed, though we did our best to hide it. Actually, my brother fell off his seat so hard I thought he had broken his wrist trying to break his fall. But, as for my grandma, she simply got up, washed her teeth, came back, and continued on, as if nothing happened.

That’s the second great thing about being old. You’ve been through so much at that point; no one gives you any crap. As an example, my grandpa puts so much sugar in his cereal in the morning you’d think he was Buddy the Elf. But, while we all want to scream at him, no one really says anything. There’s something about having been through more World Wars than wives that gives him a pass.

Another thing I’m excited for with regard to getting old is gift-getting. At 21, when I get a gift certificate, I have as long as I want to use it, which often creates too much anxiety.

You know, I could use another pair of jeans, but why don’t I wait and get a pair of shorts. But, will I want shorts then? I really like these jeans, but shorts would be the smarter choice. Then again, it stays cold here for a while, but I don’t have too many pairs of shorts, or do I?

When I’m 75, that gift instantly begins to expire the second you get it. If you want ’27 Dresses’ on DVD, go out and get it. And when you’re that old, you don’t even have to lie about why you’re buying it. Everyone knows it’s because of Katherine Heigl and how incredibly large her, uh, sense of humor is.

Well, maybe some things won’t change.

Scott Spinelli’s column appears every Thursday, and he, like most seniors, can’t get enough of class-assigned readings.

Published on January 23, 2008 at 12:00 pm