How is it possible that there is a potential job opening, somewhere, somehow, for people like me? That’s not to say I’m necessarily worried about getting a job. No. It’s more confusion.

You see, I want to work on the radio, which I guess is valuable enough. Though the deeper you go, the more you find out that I’m really just a kid with very few real-world skills.

What do I want to do? I’d like to talk about sports (or anything, for that matter) on the radio. Not play-by-play. No, that requires skill. I’d rather just talk about it. That’s it. Just talk. About sports. There actually are jobs, that is to say, positions and people that pay other people to simply get in front of a microphone and talk about sports. Is that shocking to anyone else but me?

Here’s a rule of thumb I tend to live my life by: You shouldn’t be able to call something a career if someone that is marginally inebriated can do it at least a similar level. You don’t see anyone working full time as a keg stander.

Go to any bar, restaurant or other establishment that men frequent. There are sports talk show hosts at every one of them.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that I’m investing nearly $160,000 into a career that anyone can do. Not to mention the bevy of sports talk radio courses offered for my tuition. I hope you do catch the sarcasm – I’m laying it on quite thick.

Obviously, it takes some skill. Not necessarily a down payment on the house and four years worth of skill, but some nonetheless.

You see, my main issue is that there are actually individuals enrolled at this school that plan to have an influence on people.

I must say, I’m incredibly fascinated by people who love math. At first, I didn’t believe they existed. I assumed that a math major was for someone who just didn’t want to talk about sports. Otherwise, why on earth would someone take more math classes?

Two of my roommates are like this. They’re engineering majors – their work is so incredibly beyond my comprehension, it boggles the mind how we are enrolled at the same university.

They once had a class called Statix. I was convinced for months they spelled it wrong on their notebooks.

Have you ever seen some of the word problems these math guys do? I had trouble with them back when we were introduced to the concept so many moons ago. Nowadays, I think I’d have an easier time learning to speak hieroglyphics.

Here’s an example of one of the problems I saw. No joke.

There are two cars leaving their respective houses today. One leaves from Lansing, Mich., at 8:45 a.m. going 77 mph, the other, a four-door sedan, from Tempe, Ariz., at 9:37 a.m. traveling at 67 kmph. Another car – actually an autobus – leaves from downtown Syracuse at 10:15 a.m., traversing at 65 knots per hour. Meanwhile, there are three women typing in an office building in Newark, Del., at a rate of 564 words per hour. If your father is boiling water for supper later that night, at what point do you blow your brains out?

Honest admission time. I had to look in the back for the answer because this happened to be, by the grace of who ever you pray to, an odd-numbered problem. The answer was 7:25 p.m. Don’t ask me how.

You see, there are people out there who can and want to do these sorts of things.

Education majors want to teach the youth of this great nation. Science majors working on – actually, I don’t know what it is that they do. Possibly something with making the chart of the elements easier to read? By the way, who the hell are they kidding with Californium? That’s like naming a state New Boron. Not cool.

Also, engineers out there, what is going on with flying cars? I was under the distinct impression, upon watching ‘Back to the Future’ at least, that those were just around the corner. Forget fuel alternatives, and say goodbye to wind turbines. Let’s pick up the pace.

Don’t even get me started on doctors and lawyers. Not that I trust either of the two groups, but at least their intent (for now) is to do good for others.

At least at this point in my life, I maintain hope that at some point I can say, ‘I helped that person.’ And I don’t mean, I taught them how to turn their tongue into three rings (ask me, I can do it). No, I’m talking about an impact, something serious. Like something on a football field.

So, I guess I am left to quizzically ponder, as Andre 3000 muses, ‘Man, have you ever really wondered, like, why we here, what the meaning of all this is?’

Scott Spinelli’s column appears every Thursday. If he doesn’t get into sports radio, he knows he has a stable career in breaking women’s hearts.

Published on October 31, 2007 at 12:00 pm