There are a few things that I think women should know about men. As a man myself, one who is well-versed in the way of the heterosexual male, I feel as though it’s my duty to perform this service. Sort of like being in the Army.

Women, you must know, men don’t exist without you. And I don’t mean that in the literal ‘you are the givers of life’ way. No, I’m referring to the fact that basically everything we do revolves around the hope or promise that you’re involved.

Let’s start with general upkeep. I’d venture most men would most likely never shave if women weren’t around. Some men (read:me) have already stopped. I’d imagine the only time a man would shave would be when it becomes uncomfortable to do the only thing we truly care about besides women – sleep.

Brushing of teeth. Let’s be honest. If men knew there was no way they’d run into a woman all day, they might seriously consider leaving the house without brushing. I’m not calling them sinners. I’m calling them human.

The way a man puts himself together, even with women around, is in such stark contrast to the way a woman puts herself together that it really blows my mind.

Women, in a matter of hours, get up, get ready, put makeup on, fix their hair and choose an outfit with matching accessories. It’s enough to make you want to shoot yourself in the head.

If men had to go through that process for a week, we’d see an extreme dip in the male population of this fine society. I wore a Kansas City Royals baseball jersey a week ago. It took me nearly two-and-a-half hours to decide that I could, in fact, wear a royal blue shirt underneath it.

Still, I take a look around campus and I notice things that women put on, things they wear or add to their outfits that really are just either stupid or unnecessary.

First of all, those ridiculous Hubble Spacecraft sun glasses. I don’t know if the Charlotte Hornet look (Google Charlotte Hornet, if you need a mirror check) is what you’re going for, but you’re not doing anyone any favors.

Plus, there’s that extra second a girl might take to decide what shoes to wear. Let me tell you this. A guy isn’t going home after a night at Chuck’s or some random party and fantasizing about what sort of shoes you had on. (‘Bro, did you see the way those Jimmy Choo shoes framed her thighs?’) Or the sort of eyeliner you wear. There’s really only a few areas we concentrate on. You know what I’m talking about.

Don’t get me wrong. Women are beautiful creatures. At least most of you are. Some of you are conniving, beautiful creatures.

That being said, it seems to me just about everything men do is geared toward getting women. We wouldn’t go out to go and drink if there wasn’t the possibility that women would be there. No, we’d stay home, with one hand in our pants and the other on the remote (or a drink). Sad, I know, but it’s that simple.

Men might even walk around naked if women weren’t around. You know what I mean if you’ve ever been in a men’s locker room, anywhere, and seen a flopping Johnson. Honestly, we really don’t care. Hell, penis envy wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a use for it outside of urination.

And, just so you know, women, most men I know do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to get women. It’s not all one-sided. We do have those ridiculous conversations analyzing what to do. Not every guy is Jean-Claude Van Damme, with an angelic voice, of course.

If women weren’t around, men would have so much more time on our hands, I don’t think we would know what to do with ourselves. I’d imagine I’d play a lot more Super Nintendo. Or, at the very least, I’d watch my friends play a lot more Super Nintendo.

So, what have we learned? Probably nothing. But, I don’t intend to educate. Merely to inform. If that makes any sense, I’ll end with something that might make less sense. In the words of the prophet Rhymefest, ‘Oh, you don’t think you need game? Homie, you’d better have it, because women cheat like you, only they’re better at it.’

Scott Spinelli’s column usually appears on Thursdays. He is using this space in lieu of updating his MySpace, Xanga and Facebook statuses.

Published on October 2, 2007 at 12:00 pm