Well, the Democrats have been in control of both houses of Congress for a solid week. I have free health care now, right?

I’m about to graduate from college, and I have a lot of demands from our new Democratic majority. Thankfully, they already scared President Bush into firing Donald Rumsfeld like a sorority girl ditching her ugly friend at a mixer.

‘Sorry,’ Bush must have said. ‘I’m going home with this awesome guy, Joe Notgetimpeached.’

Now if they could only get Bush to turn down the ‘Evil’ setting on Dick ‘Malice-bot’ Cheney, we’d be in business.

But I need more than that from the 110th Congress. The Democrats have always been big supporters of welfare and social programs, so I expect them to give me a job immediately. My preferences are, in this order: Starfighter, Ghostbuster, Ghostfinder, ghost, low-level bureaucrat, welfare queen. I am probably best qualified for the last one of those, since I already have 13 children and no husband in my trailer.

I desperately need the work, too, considering that under the Democrats’ proposed tax plan, on my current salary of $0.00 per year, I owe $39,000. On the other hand, I get a $5,000 deduction if I promise to streamline the process by giving the money directly to Jack Abramoff.

At least we can now rest easy, knowing the Republicans won’t be able to carry out their plans to ban gay marriage and make Jesus the Secretary of Transportation. We can finally look forward to important Democratic legislation, like H.R. 4968, the Tupac Shakur Records Release Act of 2006.

This actual bill would ‘provide for the creation of the Tupac Amaru Shakur Records Collection at the National Archives,’ because ‘the Freedom of Information Act, as implemented by the executive branch, is not sufficient to ensure the timely public disclosure of records relating to the life and death of Tupac Amaru Shakur.’

You’re damn right it’s not sufficient! Never mind that Tupac has been dead – sort of – for 10 years. The thousands of books, articles, Web sites, MTV specials and the movie ‘Tupac: Ressurection’ already in existence are not informative enough for my likings. If the government doesn’t tell me that Tupac got shot by Biggie’s thugs, who can? Other than almost every living human being over the age of 8?

Besides, I’m sure that once they’re done with this, their next bill will solve the budget crisis. But priorities, people.

The biggest issue facing Congress, of course, is finding a way to end the war in Iraq. Well, look no further, lawmakers, I’ve got your solution right here. You take a big pile of weapons-grade plutonium and put it in the middle of the Iraqi desert, next to a sign that says, ‘Free nuke material.’ The terrorists would be all over that like Ted Kennedy on an open bar.

Anyway, you put a big box over the plutonium held up by a stick attached to a string, and when Osama comes over to grab the goods, bam! He dies of radiation poisoning. The box is only there so you can cover the goods up in an emergency, like when Cheney comes sneaking over.

Seamus O’Connor wants you to write him in for all positions when you vote in the Student Assembly elections. E-mail him at sroconno@syr.edu.

Published on November 13, 2006 at 12:00 pm