Syracuse students, the opportunity of a lifetime is coming. The Daily Orange is going to be hiring new editors in all departments soon, so cram some more fake activities onto your rsum and come on over!

Why work for The D.O., you ask? Well imagine this: you know the thrill of drawing a penis on your hallmate’s whiteboard? Imagine having your penis-art distributed to 20,000 readers a day, five days a week. That’s exactly what working at The D.O. is like – even more so if you write for sports.

A lot of people think you have to be in Newhouse to work for The D.O., but that’s not true. Most of the editors here did go to Newhouse at some point, but sooner or later we all failed out or switched our majors to magazine journalism, which is pretty much the same thing. Other editors here study political science, chemistry and biology. There’s room for students from all backgrounds, as long as you are willing to give up all hopes of academic success for the pride of putting out a 24-page vessel for Sudoku five times a week.

At our paper, you’ll be joining a proud tradition that goes back to 1903, when the first Daily Orange ran with the story, ‘University Establishes Relations with Prussian Empire.’ Since then, Daily Orange reporters have covered the Industrial Revolution (‘Women, Children to be replaced with Ro-bots’), the moon landing (‘Newhouse Students Pull off Space Hoax in Basement Studio’) and the 2003 Men’s Basketball National Championship (‘SU Wins NCAA Tourney; Dynasty Sure to Follow’).

All students are welcome to apply, so just choose which section you want to work for based on your skills:

News: You know the press is crucial to America’s democracy, and is always looking to uncover the next Watergate. You have offered to let countless people be your ‘Deep Throat,’ and are starting to get funny looks.

Feature: You love music, movies and cultural events, and enjoy writing ‘human interest’ pieces, as opposed to pieces that are of no interest to humans (See ‘News’). You like to write freely, without all those rules about ‘grammar’ and ‘describing meaningful events.’

Sports: You are God’s gift to journalism. You are so incredibly talented that you must apply your journalistic acumen to the most relevant events of this era: ball games.

Design: You know newspapers would be much better without all the ‘words.’

Management: You can barely read or write, but unlike the rest of the staff, you own a suit. This is pretty much the only requirement. You will represent the paper at various social events, always stressing our ‘commitment to excellence and improving the editorial quality of the paper.’ In laymen’s terms, this means: ‘We are constantly trying to add more comics.’

Photography: You have an eye for news, and know that an image can tell a whole story by itself, assuming it is an image of a newspaper story.

Humor columnist: You are really, really ridiculously good looking. You do not enjoy the marching band.

The D.O. is a bastion of diversity, and can benefit from the strengths of every student at SU. Staff openings are limited, though, so if you really want to get hired you’ll have to staple a $20 to your rsum.

Jaykay! That’s ridiculous; The D.O. would never stoop that low. Twenty dollars would never get you hired – just leave us a blank check with the position you want. How do you think I got here?

Seamus O’Connor got an A in magazine editing class for a very pretty drawing of a giraffe he colored today. E-mail him at sroconno@syr.edu.

Published on November 6, 2006 at 12:00 pm