Since I’m graduating this semester, I’ve been very busy job hunting the past few months. It sure has been stressful-I’ve sent out countless applications and received more rejections than an Uggs-less girl during sorority rush week. But don’t fret, I’m going to tell you all my tips and tricks so you can land a dream job faster than Kirstie Allie at a pie-tasting factory.

First, don’t limit your job search to Web sites like Monster.com. Go to some career fairs, which are a great way to realize that there are 10,000 people applying to the same jobs you are, and that almost all of them are more qualified. This is how you learn that you succeed in job hunting the same way you succeed in getting laid: lower your standards.

Once you’ve identified some companies so obscure you couldn’t find them with a Google map, it’s time to start applying. The first impression you make on any company comes from your cover letter, so you need to make it stand out. You don’t want to sound desperate, though. Just like dating, the key is to play hard to get. Try this opening line: ‘Dear Sir or Madam, I would not work for your company if you paid me in cocaine and strippers.’ The rest of the cover letter should be a picture of you giving the middle finger. Remember to include your phone number, though, because you’ll definitely get some calls.

Next comes your rsum. Employers know that no rsum is totally honest these days, so it’s OK to embellish a little bit. If you worked as a waiter or waitress, write ‘Hospitality Consultant.’ If your last job was as a lifeguard, write ‘Willing to sleep my way to the top.’

Once you’ve caught their eye, hiring managers will be begging to have you in for an interview. The most important part of interview etiquette is to dress appropriately. Men, don’t wear a suit and tie-you don’t want to look stuffy and boring. Set yourself apart with a dirty wife beater and a gang-color headband. This look says, ‘I am a go-getter and if I don’t get this job, I’ll ‘go get’ my posse and meet you in the parking lot.’

Ladies, it’s important you not dress too provocatively. Wear a knee-length skirt or dress pants, a blouse and a Sarah Jessica Parker mask to ensure that you are in no way physically attractive.

When you arrive at the interview, give your potential employer a good strong handshake, look him or her in the eye and answer every question with confidence. Make sure to bring some questions of your own as well. I always make sure to ask:

‘Does your insurance policy cover methadone treatments? Just curious.’

‘Do they give out free Twinkies in the break room, or are you just part manatee?’

‘Are those real?’

After your interview, be sure to send a thank-you card to your interviewer. One of my sure-fire tricks is to put some white, anthrax-like powder, such as flour, in with the card, then write a hilarious message like ‘I’m dying to work for you!’

I can’t guarantee these tips will get you hired, but then again, it’s not my fault you thought linguistics was a real major.

Seamus O’Connor is looking for a company that doesn’t do background checks. E-mail him at sroconno@syr.edu.

Published on November 28, 2006 at 12:00 pm