The Student Assembly elections are coming up, and I have a few demands for any presidential candidates on behalf of the student body. If you promise to do as I propose, I promise to assume somebody else will take the time and effort to vote for you, then complain bitterly about how the whole thing is a pointless popularity contest if you lose.

First of all, we need someone who will raise school spirit, especially in the Carrier Dome. The crowds would surely be rowdier and more supportive if we could get some gin and tonics in there with our Bud Lights. I know it worked for my folks on Parents Weekend.

Next, we need someone who will raise the national prestige of SU. This year we slipped to No. 52 on U.S. News & World Reports list of best colleges, putting us below even the University of Texas – Austin. Look, the most successful Texan in the world right now is the one in the White House, and if we can’t beat guys like him, we are all going to die.

An SA president should also be able to do something about campus crime. There have been so many muggings lately, I’ve hired a friend to walk me home at night, occasionally stabbing me in the arm to make it look as if I’m already being mugged. Not everybody has great friends like I do, though, so our president should make a personal safety kit for every student. It would consist of a plastic whistle and a bottle of irony. The whistle would be used to ward off hoodlums, since a person carrying a gun is definitely going to be scared of moderately loud noises. The irony would be for when you need to call the police after the crook steals your Razr.

As for the Campus Readership Program, the free papers are nice, but could we please do away with the USA Todays? If I wanted meaningless news and pretty colors, I’d do ecstasy and watch Good Morning America. In fact, just get rid of all the newspapers and make a daily flyer called ‘These events will be on your news quiz today.’ The Newhouse and political science majors will love you for it, and if they need a liberal media fix, they can always watch MSNBC.

Most importantly, we need a president who will defeat the greatest threat to this campus, the population of Girls Who Wear Only Stretch Tights for Pants. Even as winter closes in, this campus is oppressed by thinly-veiled butt cleavage. The obscene rear-jiggling coming from all directions leaves students with nowhere to safely avert their eyes; I have personally seen many distraught students thrust forks into their own sockets to escape the nightmarish cheek barrage. I myself will volunteer for any presidential committee to save this campus by starting a Ladies, Leave Something to the Imagination brigade.

One last quick suggestion for reform: eliminate the student fee and force groups to raise funds by selling cookies. That way, the students can choose which groups they want to support, and mmmmm, cookies.

I wish all the candidates the best of luck, even though the race will inevitably come down to whomever can guilt enough of their friends into voting. Let the Facebook campaign groups begin! I’ll vote for anyone who makes me a group officer with the title, ‘So Hot Right Now.’

Seamus O’Connor ran for class vice president in fourth grade, but lost to a young H. Ross Perot. E-mail him at sroconno@syr.edu.

Published on October 16, 2006 at 12:00 pm