Syracuse, I hear you loud and clear. Over the last week, you have called me ‘ignorant,’ ‘insensitive,’ ‘a jerk’ and ‘most likely to end up in jail for cattle rustling.’ Wait, my high school class called me that.

I admit it, last week was a mistake. But this is a glorious new week. Our football team finally brought home a win, the weather looks nice (in Syracuse terms, the apocalypse would be ‘fair’ conditions) and my column hasn’t offended anybody yet, even those fat, ugly Hawaiians.

Damn, so close.

I want to make it up to you all, though. I have a plan to bring pride and community back to our campus the way Jessica Cutler brought honor to the practice of prostitution.

I thought I’d start with a little community service. In order to help out the less advantaged people around me, I’d like to assist the intrepid men who collect cans from the area every week. Thus, I will increase my Keystone intake 50 percent, up to roughly 800 beers per day. This should provide enough five-cent rebates to buy those guys a gold-plated space shuttle, assuming they accept nickels in exchange for those. Heck, I bet Bush would take it-he’s easily distracted by shiny things.

Traffic safety is also a big concern of mine. To this end, I promise to personally tag every SUV on campus with a ‘CAUTION: Driver has no concern for common sense or the environment’ sticker. For Hummers, I have designed a special label: ‘Warning: driver may not be able to see over his clearly enormous johnson/massive bags of money.’ With any luck, this will stop people from driving their planet-sodomizing death-wagons, and traffic accidents and pollution will decrease.

Speaking of air quality, smoking is a serious problem on this campus. I plan to organize a campaign to help smokers quit, which I call ‘Hit a smoker with a crowbar until they quit: 2006.’ Nothing is more important than getting people to appreciate their health, and my program is very economical. A pack of Nicorette gum every week costs more than $60. Getting pummeled within an inch of death? Free! You can thank me, as soon as they unwire your jaw.

I haven’t forgotten the children, either. I plan to lend my talents to local schools as a tutor in the three R’s: Reading, Rmath and Ripping off convenience stores. I want the next generation to understand basic arithmetic principals: One stereo + five-finger discount = free party!

Another great idea of mine is to organize local children for a canned-food drive. The classroom bringing in the most cans over the next month will win absolutely nothing. This teaches the important lesson that life sucks, and now I have all your cans.

College kids need to be educated, too. I will take it upon myself to canvass the Quad, handing out my personally-made informational brochures. They cover a range of topics, including, ‘Why sex and especially birth control are for dirty sinners,’ ‘So you had a one night stand: how to prepare for eternity in Hell’ and ‘Non-Christian religions: hilarious, but false.’ I can also offer free training for how to look busy when Jesus returns to earth. Free tip: that would not be a good time to ‘encourage’ a smoker to quit.

So, fellow Syracusians, I hope my mission of peace and community improvement will lead you to open your arms and take me back. I promise to play nice from now on and keep everybody’s feelings in mind. My columns will be so trite, bland and inoffensive, you’ll swear you were reading The Student Voice.

Seamus O’Connor honestly and deeply respects all religions, lifestyles and people, except Hawaiians. Email him at sroconno@syr.edu.

Published on September 18, 2006 at 12:00 pm