This year’s winner for most unnecessary awards show is the Oscars!

Did anyone watch that? I hope not, because the winners from this year’s show prove that the Academy knows less about the art of film than I know about using punctuation?

First of all, look at this year’s Best Picture. ‘Crash,’ a four-hour documentary about demolition derbies, somehow took the cake. This was the ultimate snub for quality pictures like ‘Walk the Line,’ which looked at difficult social issues like how to pronounce Joaquin Phoenix.

I also disagree with the awards given to this year’s supposedly top actor and actress. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s portrayal of Truman Capote was poorly written and overblown, and even if the competition was weak, there is no way Reese Witherspoon should have earned top honors for her role in ‘Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde.’ I really thought she could have done more in two of that movie’s five sex scenes.

That’s not to say the Academy screwed up every category, though. No one can deny that the Three 6 Mafia deserved the Best Song statue for the title song of ‘Hustle & Flow,’ the all-too-true ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.’ They should be very proud, especially with stiff competition like Toby Keith’s ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Gay Cowboy’ and Eminem’s ‘Truman Capote is a Sick MotherF***er.’

Fortunately, the field for next year’s Oscar race is already so strong, not even the moronic Academy could mess it up. Here are the big names to look for in next year’s race:

For best picture, it’ll be a photo finish between ‘The Pink Panther’ and ‘Mrs. Henderson Presents.’ Smart bettors will put their money on ‘Mrs. Henderson,’ which has two big advantages: nudity and absolutely no appearances by Beyonce. Look out for darkhorse ‘The Grudge 2,’ which will earn brownie points for its directors just for having the gall to suggest ‘The Grudge’ deserved a sequel.

Matthew McConaughey is said to be the Academy’s favorite for Best Actor, in the hopes that giving him an award will dissuade him from ever making movies again. The same would be true for his ‘Failure to Launch’ co-star Sarah Jessica Parker, but the popular consensus is that it would be better just to kill her. A recent poll of people writing this column found that 100 percent of respondents would be ‘moderately happy to overjoyed’ to see SJP publicly flogged.

Best Foreign Language film will go to the upcoming ‘Vous tes un Traducteur Excellent: Une Modestement Aventure de Boobtastic’ (‘Harold and Kumar go to a White Castle in France: A Modestly Boobtastic Adventure’).

In an unsurprising turn of events, the Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress categories will be canceled for 2006 because of constricted movie budgets. No major production house will be able to afford more than one paid actor and actress per film, so the rest of the roles will be filled in by unaccredited extras. Hollywood is betting you won’t even notice the change in quality of movies, if there is a change at all.

Best Director honors will go to Matt Damon solo this time, for his very special project, ‘I Make Movie.’ Even skeptics will have to agree with the Academy’s assessment. The movie sucks, but we’re just astounded he made an entire film without accidentally shooting himself in the face.

A special Lifetime Achievement Award will be presented to Vince Vaughn for starring or co-starring in 79 films as the exact same character without ever delivering a single decent performance. While most actors would have been run out of Hollywood after their third or fourth awful character repeat, Vaughn’s cool determination and winning smile have kept his dreadful visage on the silver screen well beyond anyone’s expectations or desires.

Of course, the prize for Best Song is almost guaranteed to go to – you guessed it – the Three 6 Mafia, for their magnum opus ‘No Seriously, Pimping is Really Hard,’ featured in ‘Hustle & Flow 2: Pig in the City.’

Seamus O’Connor once tried to eat a live baby and is no longer allowed at Smiley Time Daycare. Email him at sroconno@syr.edu.

Published on March 6, 2006 at 12:00 pm