After three and a half days of witnesses, Brian T. Shaw took the stand in his own defense on Friday.

Shaw, a former Syracuse University student, was charged with the second-degree murder of Chiarra Seals, the mother of his daughter, and endangering the welfare of a child.

Witnesses for the prosecution ranging from police officers to medical examiners to Shaw’s former roommates took the stand throughout the week, but Friday afternoon was Shaw’s first chance to speak on his own behalf.

Defense Attorney Thomas Ryan completed his questioning of his client, but Assistant District Attorney Michael Spano was cut off halfway through his examination of Shaw when Judge Joseph Fahey decided to break for the day.

‘It’s my fault that she’s gone …’

Shaw revealed in his testimony that at several points on March 23, 2005, he ‘froze’ or ‘blacked out.’ These occurrences were tied to the most emotional periods of the day.

‘I just blacked out, and all I could hear was me saying, ‘I’m sorry, Chiarra, I’m sorry,” Shaw said in the middle of retelling his version of the events of March 23.

Shaw said Seals made numerous sexual advances on him, trying to arouse and perform oral sex on him when he went to the house that day to give Seals $45 she had asked for to buy Shaw’s daughter Essence shoes for Easter. He continued to refuse her, but said every time he pushed her away, she would come back at him, scratching, kicking and punching.

Shaw said at this point, he was ‘frozen.’ He said he kept trying to grab Seals’ hands, but she kept punching and kicking him in the face. Then, Shaw said, he lost his sight.

When he came to somewhat see things again, Shaw said he looked at his hands, and then ran out of the apartment. He said he couldn’t think anything, just that this couldn’t be real.

‘I was watching it, but I couldn’t see it with my eyes,’ he said.

Shaw said he forced his way through two locked doors, using his shoulder to break them, to re-enter Seals’ apartment, because he said he was trying to figure out what was happening. He then went into the bedroom, where he found Seals unresponsive.

‘I couldn’t think nothing. What’s going on? This can’t be real,’ he said. ‘I never put my hands on no female. It didn’t seem real.’

Then, he said, he saw the cord from an iron Seals had thrown at him wrapped around her neck. He said he tried to remove it, but the more he pulled, the tighter it got. He eventually went to the kitchen, got a knife and cut the iron cord off Seals’ neck.

During cross-examination, Spano asked Shaw point-blank if he killed Seals.

‘It’s my fault that she’s gone,’ Shaw said three times, never saying that he killed Seals.

‘I just froze …’

Spano asked Shaw how the cord had gotten around Seals’ neck. Shaw said he didn’t know, and when he moved the iron away after Seals threw it, it may have gone over her neck.

Spano also asked Shaw whether he’d ever blacked out before. Shaw replied that yes, he had, and cited incidents of being shot at and having a gun held to his head.

‘You’re doing a pretty good job in this blackout of trying to get away with murder, aren’t you?’ Spano asked Shaw, voice elevated.

After cutting the cord off Seals’ neck, Shaw said he then moved her to the backseat of his roommate’s car, and drove it back to his home at 545 Columbus Ave. He said he remembered seeing his roommates there, but not their conversation. He then went to his 6 p.m. class.

When he returned from class, Shaw said he put Seals’ body in a suitcase, and then went to find his best friend, who lived on Clarendon Avenue. The friend was like a brother, Shaw said, and he wanted his friend to help figure out what happened to Seals. But Shaw’s friend wasn’t home, he said, so he left the suitcase in the yard – behind a garage at 112 Avondale Place.

During Shaw’s testimony of the events at Jasper Street and Avondale Place, court officers and members of the gallery sat with tears streaming down their faces, including the door guard. Shaw paused numerous times throughout his testimony to compose himself, to steady his voice to the point of behind audible.

‘I don’t want to see that day …’

Shaw said he does not remember being read his Miranda rights, and even asked for a lawyer, but said detectives told him he didn’t need one. Ryan read Shaw his Miranda rights in front of the court, one by one, asking Shaw if he’d been read each. Shaw replied ‘no’ to each in turn.

While Shaw spoke with detectives, he said small pieces of the conversation would jump out in his mind, but he didn’t want to accept that it was true.

‘It was more like I was agreeing with what they were saying,’ he said.

Shaw said he called his godmother, Robin, who advised him not to speak any more without an attorney. He said the officers questioning him ran through scenarios, looked at him and laughed, and kept asking more questions.

Ryan presented him with Exhibit 21, and Shaw identified scratches on his neck as coming from Seals. But when Spano tried to get Shaw to look at a photograph of Seals’ house on an overhead projector, Shaw turned his head in refusal.

‘I don’t want to see that day,’ Shaw said.

‘As soon as I looked at her face, I loved her …’

At the start of his direct examination, Ryan eased into his questioning, asking first about Shaw’s childhood, his time at Henninger High School and how he met Seals.

Shaw said things didn’t go well for his family; they were robbed twice, physical things happened to his mother and cousin and his mother was later robbed at gunpoint.

Eventually, Shaw’s mother Celeste Shaw decided she’d had enough, Shaw said. While Shaw was away at camp one summer, she went to visit a cousin in Philadelphia. Upon his return, his mother told Shaw she was leaving, but he chose to stay in Syracuse and live with his aunt.

Shaw said he met Seals in eighth or ninth grade, then again more than two years later, when they had a one-night stand, but the two never became boyfriend and girlfriend. In late 2001, however, he got a call out of the blue. It was Seals, and she had some surprising news.

‘She told me that she’d had a daughter, and that it was mine,’ Shaw said.

Despite his shock, Shaw said he made an effort to try to get to know his daughter, Essence, who was already 2 years old. He’d take her out to get clothes and Pampers, and even over to his aunt’s house so that the family could compare who Essence looked like.

Shaw said Seals demanded money of him, and bribed him with getting to see his daughter. He added Seals made him feel like property, demanding sex, hitting him and even throwing a brick at his car after an altercation at Carousel Center.

‘If I didn’t give her money, I wouldn’t see my daughter,’ Shaw said.

Shaw testified Seals told him he’d be better off dropping out of school and getting a full-time job because he needed to spend more time with his daughter, and give Seals more money.

In his cross-examination, Attorney Michael Spano asked Shaw about his relationship with Essence. Her birthday is June 22, Shaw said, the day before his mother’s. He bought his daughter a LeapFrog last Christmas to help her learn to read, and when Essence visited Shaw, he said she slept in his room with him.

‘As soon as I looked at her face, I loved her,’ he said.

Shaw said Essence was another point of turmoil between him and Seals; if Essence wouldn’t call Shaw ‘daddy,’ Seals would hit her. Spano asked Shaw why he didn’t just ask for Essence to come out and pick up the money on March 23, then take her out for a walk. Shaw said he didn’t think of it at the time.

‘There are a number of things that you could point out (that I could have done differently),’ he said. ‘But we’re here.’

Spano was not able to finish his cross-examination, as Shaw devolved into shouts and tears during the last minute of questioning. He addressed the Seals family directly, saying:

‘I’d give my life to have her back!’

Spano will finish his cross-examination of Shaw starting tomorrow at 9 a.m.