As another semester opens at the dawn of a new year, we all stop and wonder what the coming months will hold for us. Will the basketball team make it past the first round of the Big Dance? Will Vice President Cheney’s robotic body malfunction and start launching nukes? Will my new roommates share my appreciation for Bjork played at deafening volumes? Wonder no more – based on the predictions of Nicodemus, the I Ching and several boxes of fortune cookies, I can tell you exactly what to expect in 2007. Wait, what year is this?

Construction on Nancy Cantor’s corridor to downtown Syracuse will begin. The entrance to the corridor will be flanked by statues of Cantor lighting a cigar with a $1,000 bill and punching a statue of Common Sense.

Federal Reserve Chair Alan Greenspan will shockingly announce in April that he is coming out of retirement to ride in an eighth Tour de France.

In celebrity news, everyone will stop believing in Paris Hilton, and she will cease to exist. Kevin Federline will file for divorce after Britney Spears gives birth to a two-headed, fire-breathing abomination and names it Destiny Magic.

Microsoft’s newest operating system, Windows Vista, is launched to great fanfare. Vista’s programmers claim that once installed, the program makes any computer impervious to viruses and spyware by means of causing the unit to burst into flames.

In the World Cup, the United States will advance to the final round and win a wildly exciting match against host Germany, ending 4-2 in a penalty shootout. An AP poll will reveal that 96 percent of Americans believe the World Cup to be some kind of hot dog eating contest.

You will not get laid. Sorry.

An anonymous artist will paint a mural of unmatched beauty across the walls of Six Curves. Chancellor Cantor will promise to ‘hunt down and kill the vandal that defaced my glorious monument of gloom.’

The United Nations will pass a unanimous decision to cancel March, because seriously, fuck March.

As the Jack Abramoff scandal unfolds, every senator and representative in Congress will be indicted for ethics violations, except for Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., who will proceed to pass legislation giving himself the legal name, ‘Captain Kick-Ass.’

After the continued success of ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ NBC will announce plans for seven other series based on people you’ve never heard of doing something moronic (in addition to ‘Fear Factor’).

The ‘Best Picture’ Oscar will go to a surprisingly dramatic home video of Ron Howard eating a sandwich. Peter King will be furious that his $450 million masterpiece, ‘Four Hours of Intense Special Effects: The Absence of Plot’ is snubbed.

Back in Syracuse, the Newhouse III project will be scrapped after it is discovered that Newhouse I’s sperm have low motility. Saddened but determined, Newhouse II will adopt Steele Hall.

Published on January 16, 2006 at 12:00 pm