There has been a lot of discussion lately about Facebook’s effect on collegiate and high school society. Parents are worried about their children posting suggestive pictures of themselves, and this is a real problem – until now, the Internet was the last frontier to be free of pornography.

Also, police and administrators are cracking down on students who post pictures of themselves partaking in underage drinking and other illegal activities. Frankly, I have to blame this one on the kids: First, you could have chosen not to drink. Then you could have not taken a picture of it. Then you could have not proudly posted it to the World Wide – repeat, World effing Wide – Web. Three strikes and you’re out, smart guy.

But really, these are not the biggest problems with Facebook. Sure, the site makes it pretty easy for a stalker to follow you around, since they know what you look like, your daily class schedule and where you live. Honestly, you’re just asking to get ‘poked.’ The real issue, though, is that Facebook is still too goody-goody.

Example: When someone tries to friend you and you deny them, nothing happens. They just assume you haven’t logged on in a while, I guess. Oh right, in the millisecond between opening my friend’s page and seeing your picture, something really important came up … all fifty-eight times I went to Facebook that day. Would you believe it?

I wouldn’t know, as nobody’s ever turned down a chance to be my friend, for obvious reasons. But what should happen is, after you get rejected, an e-mail appears in your inbox:

‘Dear Loser – This is to inform you that Whatshisname has denied your request for friendship. No, edit that, this person has denied your request for Facebook friendship, a relationship less meaningful and binding than that between man and ape. Yes, they could have spent one ten-thousanth of a calorie and clicked accept, and your life would be that much better. But you must be such a defective, disturbed and unlovable creature that this person would not even allow your disgusting visage to stain their Web site. For the record, they DID accept friendship offers from fictional entities Harry Potter and Pikachu, and from that morbidly obese kid who threw up on himself in Writing 107. Better luck with your next friend, though our advice is to give up now, Ace.’

Better yet, in addition to the friends list, there could be a list of ‘People I rejected as friends.’ It would be a hilarious wall of shame, like the bounced checks you see taped to convenience store cash registers.

Honestly, as if it weren’t enough to have to spend your time rejecting all these would-be friends, now you have to ‘confirm the details’ of how you know all your already-accepted pity friends. Please! I only accepted you so I could count it as community service – don’t ask me to admit we actually once lived together. Instead, I should be able to relate by details like, ‘I knew this person before they got fat’ and ‘I was their counselor while they were in rehab.’

For now, I’ll have to take matters in my own hands. If you try to friend me and I turn you down, I’m starting a group called ‘(Your Name) tried to friend me – as IF!’ Pikachu and Michael Moore will be groupies.

Published on January 22, 2006 at 12:00 pm