Hold My Gold: A White Girl’s Guide to the Hip-Hop WorldBy: Albertina Rizzo and Amanda McCallPublisher: Simon & Schuster (May 2, 2005)Price: $12

In the book, ‘Hold My Gold: A White Girl’s Guide to the Hip-Hop World,’ the two authors, Albertina Rizzo and Amanda McCall, attempt to interpret different aspects of hip-hop culture and ‘de-wack’ all the white girls who like it.

Unfortunately, these girls obviously know nothing about hip-hop. They claim to be from ‘the trenches of New York’s SoHo’ and ‘the mean streets of Central Park West,’ which are clearly some of the nicest neighborhoods in New York City. They also claim to have seen P. Diddy running the NYC Marathon and Lil’ Kim eating nachos at a Yankees game, which somehow means they are qualified to write a book about hip-hop. I don’t know if they are just trying to be cute, but they are really just clueless.

The book begins by trying to help white girls become ‘un-wack,’ because, according to them, all white girls are, and only these two (also) white authors can help fellow white girls enter into hip-hop culture. They even have a yes or no test to find out if you suffer from ‘Wackness-Induced Depression’ that contains statements like, ‘Feeling down, depressed or hopeless about your ability to gyrate on the hood of a Cadillac Escalade?’ and, ‘Think that you would be better off dead, or want to hurt yourself in some way, for not owning a set of gold teeth?’ This is absurd; I think these girls may have been run over by a Cadillac Escalade and had their heads crushed in the process, because their advice is ludicrous.

After you take the test and discover that you are in fact suffering from ‘Wackness-Induced Depression,’ there are 12 steps to that to become less ‘wack’ and more hip-hop. The steps include things such as, ‘Admitted to a life-sized poster of Lil Jon, to ourselves and to others the exact nature of our wackness,’ and, ‘Sought, through smoking blunts and gyrating in bikinis, to improve our chances of possible contact with Lil Jon, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.’

At its core, this book is not a guide to hip-hop culture but a slap in hip-hop culture’s face. The authors think they are being funny but really know nothing about hip-hop culture, only that they think saying ‘wack’ and ‘crunk’ constantly will somehow turn you into a hip-hop star overnight. Their advice to readers who have no rhythm is to wear fewer clothes and use words such as ‘frontin” as often as possible.

These girls know nothing about hip-hop or the culture in which it grew up in and are an insult to it at every turn. They take the most pop-culture parts of hip-hop and promote those as the soul of the culture. This book is an insult to everyone, from ‘wack’ white girls to the hip-hop stars themselves. The authors present hip-hop culture as one of gold teeth, bikini-clad gyrating hoes and pimp-cups, when it is so much more.

The authors are clearly attempting to be tongue-in-cheek with their advice, but it isn’t funny; the only funny thing is how absurd they look on the back cover of the book. Their attempts as satire fall well short of hilarity and only make them look like complete idiots.

I love rap music, I’ll admit it; I am a white girl who loves rap – who doesn’t? I went to the Snoop Dogg concert and danced, but do I feel the need to read this sham of a book and become less ‘wack?’ I don’t think so. Reading this book only made me feel more ‘wack’ than ever before.

Hip-hop was born to give those who had no voice one to speak with and these authors have manipulated it into a ridiculous set of rules and games that have no place in the hip-hop world. These bitches are ones who are ‘wack.’

Published on May 10, 2005 at 12:00 pm