Ladies, please. Enough is enough. It’s time to ditch the boots.

It is a simple fact that Ugg boots and moon boots are not appropriate for springtime usage. The sheepskin boots which Uggs are based on are worn by Australian surfers who do not want to freeze their feet when they get out of the water, according to J. Michael Shoes manager John Vavalo. I checked thefacebook.com, and not a single girl on this campus is an Australian surfer. Also, I checked a map, and Syracuse isn’t even in Australia! So much for that excuse.

Briana Kimmel, a sophomore retail major, claimed that the purpose of Ugg boots is to ‘keep your feet warm and dry.’ Yet, with temperatures in Syracuse skyrocketing into the upper 30s and even 40s, it’s ridiculous to claim that Uggs are for warmth. Also, for the less than a third of the cost of a pair of Uggs, you could put your feet into plastic bags and fill them with KY Warming Liquid, which would look far less stupid.

Even more confounding is the trend of wearing Uggs with shorts or even miniskirts. Sophomore political science major Heather Brondi says that fashionistas perpetrate this crime against common sense because ‘it’s a fashion statement they’re trying to make.’

And what is that statement?

‘That they’re warm.’

Oh.

However, even Brondi admitted that Uggs ‘don’t really go with that kind of outfit, but it’s a fad. It’s no different than fanny packs or stretch pants or that kind of thing.’

Oh.

I guess that legitimizes the whole thing. Nobody in their right mind would call fanny packs or stretch pants stupid. No one. Ever.

As for moon boots, those were never a good idea in the first place. This trend did not start in the land down under, but rather the great land up above, Outer Space. Moon Boots were designed for astronauts to wear so they could go to space-raves, which are hosted by aliens with penchants for God-forsaken footwear. It is actually illegal to wear Moon Boots without written approval from NASA.

But fear not, there are plenty of other idiotic fashion items you can use to fill the void left in your life by the lack of your precious boots. For your feet, you could go get some of those sleek Puma slipper/sneakers. That way, when people look at your feet, they might mistake you at first for a runner or athlete before realizing the last time you sweated was when you tried to decide whether to dye your hair blond or platinum blond.

And those huge Ray-Bans you’ve been wearing on top of your head all winter? Get this – (italics) you can actually put them over your eyes now(italics). It’s true! The sun has finally started coming out over ‘Cuse, meaning that not only do your sunglasses now have a meaningful purpose, you can stop going to the tanning salon too! No more having to pretend that your orange skin is a show of school pride!

Another popular and thoroughly idiotic fashion must-have is the off-the-shoulder T-shirt. To be fair, these shirts make plenty of sense for those of us with 30-inch necks. Also, as J. Michael Shoes employee Erik Hicks pointed out, ‘Students generally wear things that are easy to get on and off.’

I have no idea what kind of situations would make a student want to take their clothes off quickly, but I do know that if a rabid lemur jumped onto my shirt, I’d probably try to get out through the neckhole. Maybe that’s what he meant.

To complete your outfit, perhaps you could don a pair of the suddenly-but-inexplicably-popular cutoff capri sweatpants. As far as women’s clothing goes, nothing could be more senseless. Wearing such pants suggests that a nefarious bandit has somehow stolen the bottom eight inches of fabric from both legs of your pantaloons. I do apologize to any victims of such a heist.

Unfortunately, there is a new line of Ugg boots coming for spring and summer, according to freshman fashion design major and J. Michael Shoes employee Allison Chesky. So in closing, I implore you, the next time you think about blowing $100 on boots to wear in the summer time, think of the poor starving children of the world.

Don’t they need those boots more than you?

Published on April 4, 2005 at 12:00 pm