Two wild and crazy ex-Navy SEALS turned members of a wickedly awesome artifact hunting organization dedicated to preserving history through private enterprise AND totally getting wasted on tequila.

If this were the total plot of ‘Sahara’ as opposed to just the premise, if Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn were Indiana Joneses: The College Years, this would be a 100 star review. But no, instead of panty raids on a corrupt African government, we have to deal with an overcomplicated and lame attempt at action adventure with the bass player from ‘That Thing You Do!’ and the guy that tried to fuck the wedding planner in ‘The Wedding Planner.’

Everything begins with dual storylines involving World Health Organization investigators looking into a plague spreading from Mali, symptoms of which include open sores and bizarre eye pigmentation similar to Marilyn Manson’s Antichrist Superstar tour but not as bizarre as Mechanical Animals. Oh, and death. So they have to investigate the situation in the altruistic quest for medical science while Zahn and McConaughey investigate a rumor that a confederate submarine crashed somewhere in the middle of the desert in the altruistic quest for historic curiosity and being awesome.

Then some stuff happens with a power mad warlord, a gigantic solar factory and the Frenchie from the ‘Matrix’ sequels who triggers female orgasms by being smarmy. I could really explain it to you, but then the movie would win.

The acting is not truly awful here, but it really doesn’t matter when you are dealing with such unimaginable silliness. Penelope Cruz is serviceable as the WHO official who knew too much, but isn’t really given much to do rather then kick, scream and discover harmful microbes. The vile General Kazim, who is slowly killing his populace by refusing to acknowledge the spreading disease, is played by Lennie James from ‘Snatch’ who could have added another level to the character by insisting he couldn’t propagate an antidote because a stray dog swallowed it.

But hell, why make a fun movie with any kind of logic to it? Or hell, if you are going to blow all logic out of the water, then why not elevate things to a level of parody where everyone can not feel guilty for laughing at the screen? And why can’t this pair be searching for a long-lost beer bong?

If we find the Pharaoh’s elixir, make the pledge drink it.

Published on April 13, 2005 at 12:00 pm