The date of April 20, or ‘4/20,’ has long been celebrated as a national holiday for marijuana. And today, in-between consuming box after box of Bagel Bites and giggling at words like ‘Bangkok,’ pot smokers everywhere will pause to clamor for the legalization of weed. Then they will resume giggling.

My fellow students, I agree with our toasted brethren: pot should be legal. But we must not stop at this in our search for the freedom to be high. I propose the legalization of all drugs in America.

The benefits to American society would be great and almost immediate. Cops would no longer have to waste time and tax dollars arresting junkies. Our crime-fighters could finally deal with the true menaces to society, like Syracuse football players.

Violence would decrease overnight, largely just from a lack of criminals. Anyone stupid enough to actually use cocaine, for instance, would probably kill themselves pretty quickly.

‘It’s certainly something that in a given evening could be lethal,’ says Dr. Dessa Bergen-Cico, associate dean of students and director of the SAPHE program and rape center. Instead of wasting our time preaching nonsense like ‘Say no to drugs,’ we could teach children to ‘Say goodbye to living past 27. You won’t miss it.’

Philip Hickey of Syracuse supports legalization because ‘the government could tax it and make money off them.’ It’s true! Not only that, the billions of dollars spent every year trying to halt the drug trade would find better uses. Social Security could finally be properly funded, guaranteeing everyone over 65 a six-figure check every month – and a jetpack. The DEA would be folded into the FBI, giving us enough law enforcement to turn American into a police state, like in that awesome book, ‘1984.’ Think about it, which do you really want more: free will or free opium?

Senior broadcast journalism major Kris Goetz makes another valid point: ‘Maybe it’ll lessen the price of drugs somewhat.’ I think I speak for all drug users when I say that I’d give my whole paycheck to charity every week if I didn’t have to blow it on weed and Bugles.

Tibor Palfai, professor of drugs and human behavior, notes that after the Opium Wars, one-third of the Chinese population started using opium heavily. This put one-third of the country out of commission, and he predicts the same effect would occur in a drug-legal America. With one-third of the population sitting at home high, there would be more parking spaces at the mall, one-third shorter lines at amusement parks and 98,640,225 fewer Uggs-wearing, collar-popping schmucks distracting the rest of us from our patriotic duties. What a beautiful vision.

Drugs could even be used as incentives. Imagine how much sooner you would do your taxes if the IRS sent you free ‘shrooms. Chances are you’d just make out a $50,000 check to ‘The Man’ and send it off. No audit for you, Mr. Generosity!

Lastly, I’d like to point out that some of America’s greatest leaders are drug users. Our very own president is an admitted cocaine snorter, and former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry was actually re-elected after being caught smoking crack. If that crack had been legal, he’d probably be a senator by now! If he managed not to die, I mean.

Published on April 19, 2005 at 12:00 pm