Students of Syracuse University have long been preyed upon by a malevolent force hidden behind an academic facade. I, too, have fallen victim to this systematic pirating of my precious funds. My dastardly and conniving assailant? None other than Bird Library and its heartless overdue fees! But I will not be taken advantage of like so many others, oh no. If the library wants its $4.50, it can pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

The concept of forcing students to pay a fine for books and materials kept out beyond the acceptable time limit is simply barbaric. The very concept hearkens back to the taxation without representation enforced on our colonial forefathers, who bravely fought back by dumping a lot of tea into the ocean (the colonists had apparently never heard of a petition). With a few boatloads of tea, and enough beer to engage the help of a bunch of frat guys, I too would make myself heard. Sadly, SU lacks the harbor necessary for such a feat.

The point is, we here at SU are already paying a hefty amount to study in this bastion of academia, and would faint at the thought of wasting a single cent of that tuition money. That’s why you never see anyone skipping class, or partying instead of studying on school nights. Where else would the term ‘Thirsty (for knowledge) Thursday’ have come from?

According to Pamela McLaughlin, head of the library’s access and digital services division, the financial black hole that is Bird drew in $80,000 in fines just in the last fiscal year. She stated that the money is used for acquisition of new texts. Were I an alumnus of SU, I would be furious to know my overdue fine had been used to purchase such page-turners as ‘Modern Uses of Nonferrous Metals’ or ‘On the Safeguarding of Life in Theaters,’ both currently gathering dust in Bird’s dark, forgotten basement.

‘The reason for fines is that it provides an incentive for students to bring things back so other students can use them,’ McLaughlin asserted.

What sweet but ridiculous rhetoric! If the library actually wanted to get its books back, it would hand out candy and iPods, not fees.

On the policy of fining students for books overdue, sophomore television, radio and film major Ryan Osborne said, ‘It’s not really logical.’

‘(The fines) are kind of unjust,’ agreed senior psychology major Amy Kendrat.

These students clearly feel wronged, but were perhaps afraid to express their full indignation. If the library will charge you up to $30 for a single overdue item, what might it do to its critics? The Onondaga County Public Library was daring enough to hire a private collection agency to crack down on its debtors. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a new patrol of Bird Library Storm Troopers kicking down doors in the near future.

I plan to fight these fines tooth and nail, a la Robin Hood, until Bird is brought to justice. I’ll never forget the striking words of George Washington in his inaugural address: ‘Library fines are for suckers, as are parking tickets.’ Truly, his ability to predict the invention of cars, and consequently parking tickets, are what made Washington this nation’s greatest leader. But that’s beside the point. The lesson learned is that we must never give up this glorious battle and relent to paying our overdue fees. We must use our hard-earned money for what’s truly important, like our educations and buying Ugg boots.

Published on March 1, 2005 at 12:00 pm