A story, most ducks start with them. In fact, all ducks are packed with them but the one at the beginning normally goes something like this:

It was a (sunny to denote happiness in outside life or snowy to denote unhappiness) day when I first walked into 744 Ostrom. My (sibling or friends) warned me that a job at The D.O. would suck my soul through a straw. It did, and I am now (jacked or sad) to get back to normal.

So without further ado, the longwinded bullshit three years in the making:

Rob- Late one night in a cloud of EXPLITIVE DELETED smoke, Matthew ‘Tito’ Bottitta asked me who I thought would be the next EIC of this fine paper after I was done. To his bewilderment I replied Robert Howard. ‘Are you kidding?’ he recoiled to the idea of a fresh-faced newbie who was pushing for ‘Page 8 Girls’ at the time taking the reigns. ‘No, he is hardworking and has his eye on the prize,’ I declared . Well, in about three days you will fulfill that prophecy and just as I believed then (albeit kinda really high) I could not be more comfortable leaving you the keys to the car. You resurrected the Feature section, continue to bring fresh and inventive ideas to the paper and have the kind of respect for the institution that is a prerequisite for exemplary leadership. I knew it, suck it Tito.

Tito- I don’t really think you should suck it, I was just trying to give the boy some confidence. You know what it’s like in that position, like the most challenging easy job on the planet. But the best of us make those around them better as a natural extension of themselves, your talent will forever tell young D.O.’ers don’t wait for someone to tell you to do something tomorrow when you know you can do it today. Don’t stay in the dorms, don’t graduate, don’t take bullshit from anyone because at the end of the day, the only one you have to please is yourself. Sure, by staying on as EIC you ruined my personal four year plan and in effect cancelled my semester abroad, but do I hold it against you ? In fact, being the hyper-competitive asshole that I am, the only regret I have in leaving is not being able to tie or break your ‘semester’s served’ record. You are going to be as successful as you want to be, because no one can tell you otherwise. Not bad for a stupid white kid. Tell Lou and Barb hi.

Ryan- What can I say; together we fielded what must be the most dangerous beer pong team in the history of The D.O. That alone is far and away your greatest accomplishment at this paper, which is saying something considering you were also a fantastic reporter, great assistant and an even better drinking buddy. Oh, and you ran the best News section I have ever seen, excluding mine . Here’s to a semester of beer pong, basketball and Deadwood. You know your history.

Cheers,The International Asshole

Graf- At times, you rode me like a Thai hooker. Other times, when you sought to offer encouragement, you rode me like a very frail Thai hooker who you couldn’t really ride that hard without hurting herself. But at the end of your tenure, I don’t think that anyone affected my management style as much as you did. You’re crazy, but then you know that more then anyone. Even when I talked to you prior to the ’04 DOPalooza (in a conversation prefaced with ‘I am not crazy anymore ‘) you were getting all crazy about coming to DOPalooza. My last words in The D.O. would be to you are; never change. The world needs an over neurotic, super passionate crazy like yourself. I was in awe of your attention to detail when I worked along side of you and the farther I get away from the daily grind the more fondly I look at those days. Call me with some minute grammatical error in this passage……. now.

Kristen and Jill- The Wonder Twins of The D.O. Jill, your apartment served me very well and I will be proud to turn it over to two more D.O.’ers for Fall ’05. I promise that I will make it out to the city for a drink this semester and before that I am looking forward to you guys coming up here.

Kaiylee- I’ve told you the story of my utter confusion when I found out your name was really Nicole, as an extension of that I think I have made it a point to refer to you as many nicknames as possible, hopefully in the same story or anecdote so people who aren’t clued in think I am talking about seven people. You see Begin, from the snow days to the jail breaks in a lot of ways we kind of think alike, but in enough of a different way it seems refreshing . If I could script my time away from The D.O. it would be forged in the mold of what I like to call the ‘two bottles of wine’ mentality. Find a hipster bar in Beantown and don’t stop harassing me until I bring my ass down.

Answer to a Question that Someone May or May Not Have Asked! Actually, no. Due to a state-wide malfunction my absentee ballot never got to my apartment. Though disappointed, I decided to falsely continue and brag about my intentions in an effort to tweak liberals.

Kati- You know, in an alternate reality we could really make a great couple. But then again it would have to be a really fucked up dimension where up is down, black is white and every one does thrice daily prayer readings from Danielle Steele novels. Thank God we don’t live in that reality. Instead, I have one of the truest friends that I could imagine. A hard drinking, shoot from the hip chick that I am happy to have remind me of the embarrassing actions/speech/misdemeanors from the night before.

Amy Young- You know what the best thing about our time together was? We both knew it would never last because of when we met each other. Even if things went their best we were facing a dead end eventually. But that was the beauty of it, the most important thing was enjoying each other’s company. No bullshit, just what a relationship should be: two people having fun. When it was all over, I flew from Buffalo to New York City and then on to Europe where I made many a duty free liquor store and Polish/Bulgarian/Israeli bartender happy, and simultaneously, my liver very angry while commiserating over the end of one of the happiest stretches I’ve ever had. You are too talented to not be killing a photo job somewhere, get out and kill one. Oh, and you TOTALLY made out with a sophomore when you were a second-year grad student. Gross.

Spiff- In your duck you gave me the honor of being ‘the heart’ of The D.O. and hopefully I held up the responsibility, Anderson got to be ‘the liver’ cause he whined like a bitch about it . Anyhow, I hope you are enjoying the Florida sun as a resident and my advice would be to never leave the Sunshine State unless you have a return ticket.

Director’s commentary: Yeah, it was about here that I started to worry about how many people that I met and began to freak out about forgetting someone. In a misguided effort to stem this fear, I figured I would just make up names.

Joe McNulty: Whaddup dude! Never trust a banker right?!?

Sports Copy Editor Phil Carlucci: Hey man! You were alwa… oh, I’m Justin. Yeah, I was the News Editor when you worked at The D.O. You don’t remember? Yeah, I figured it was a long shot.

Shawn Anderson: Looking back on things, that first semester may have been the most fun that I have ever had in my life. In reality I was overtired, in the beginning stages of mild alcoholism and would go long stretches of painful growing pains writing-wise. But in the warm glow of selective memory it feels like we were a rag tag group of bold journalists, feeding a hungry campus its news, one blown deadline at a time. By the time that Ash moved across the hall it felt like the inmates were running the asylum, Socrates jokes and all. You and…

Copy Katie: are tailor made for each other, so easy going. I have never seen two people spend so much god damn time together. If I can find a match with a quarter of the compatibility I’ll be fucking shocked. I was not kidding about making an impassioned speech at your wedding. I was kidding about the being hammered part .

Jason Murray: Stop by The D.O. more often, your sage wisdom of all things from gangsta rap to objective journalism will do any young staff well. Always.

Answer to a Question that Someone May or May Not Have Asked! Yes, in the basement and the attic.

Iorizzo, Eli, Chico, Slater, Snow, Carlson: The old guard, it is really really really fucking shocking that you guys were all at (or near) your collegiate peak when we won the national championship. The future is so bright for all of you that this is probably the millionth duck that’s mentioned that. I have no room to give any kind of advice, just keep doing what you are doing.

Lane B at Hancock International Airport: You’re fucking useless. Kilgore, Lieber, Becker, Licker and Gorman: The sky is the limit for you fuckers as well, in my tenure here you guys were at the helm of Sports as the rest of the paper slowly caught up to it in terms of quality. This, of course, is no fault of your own, rather just a testament to the hard work of the rest of us. Remember, to all the sports kids that come in now, you have the same swagger as The Big Six above you. Try to avoid gambling/liberalizing/hating women/getting back together with your girlfriend/’get going’ for only as long as it takes you to realize your full potential.

Finley: What can I say dude, your comedic mind is something that I will continue to envy as long as I know you. We make a pretty fucking sweet movie reviewing tag team and I am glad that the other fucker dropped off so we get all those sweet sweet ‘Boogeyman’ press passes to ourselves. Knowing how much you are ambivalent about sports, I will leave you with a sports metaphor. I once read a column about Michael Vick during his rookie season that said he was like a mad scientist who will reinvent the world around him if he doesn’t blow up his lab first. Keep your head straight and don’t let the shit you can’t control bother you as much. You’ll be fine. Also, you own Death Bed 2: The Bed That Eats .

Guinness: Arthur Guinness, you’re my only friend. We met when I was not but 14 and our love affair will continue until the day I die. You may not be a chugging beer but that won’t stop me from trying.

Arweiler: To an impressionable freshman who valued vulgarity, booze and journalism as his top priorities you made quite a role model. That would probably explain a lot if anyone here knew who the fuck you are. I’ll give you a call when I am in the city.

Sean Brutscher: Now, I don’t know how these things work, probably some randomly computer generated matrix or something, but whoever signed off on putting us in 1602 together really fucked up. It has been nothing short of a fucking blast playing off your unique brand of insanity with mine. I have been spoken of this semester as the most productive and destructive since I joined The D.O., let’s make some killer tapes.

Ladies of Design (All Time Hall of Fame List)Coach: Nicole Begin

Leyla: You have always seemed ahead of your time in that department and to me you symbolized a real turn for the section, ushering in an era when all people embraced the fucked up hours of design instead of cowering from them. Your passion is evident and your work ethic is nuts. There is no ceiling to what you can accomplish in the field of your choosing.

Meg: You are the personification of what goes on in the mind of a D.O. staff member, at about 4 a.m. when reality begins to bend and the filter that normally stops ridiculous nonsense from coming out of one’s mouth ceases to exist. That is priceless, you must remain exactly the same for fear of the universe’s equilibrium of sanity shifting drastically.

Anne: There will always be a part of my soul that wishes that Mariners game would have never ended. Perfect weather, half drunk on overpriced beer, awesome seats on the third base line and four hits from Ichiro on his way to beating the all-time single season record, simply flawless. You are an incredible person and one of the most honest, down to earth people I think I have ever met. If by the time you graduate I am one of your only friends to have gone to Orcas Island, then the rest of your friends are fucking morons.

Noelle: Sure you worked in Feature too, but I think you fit better downstairs . You are probably the only one of my friends who I would dub the title ‘socialite.’ Not to say that you aren’t talented at a plethora of other fields from fashion to writing, but I think you really have an undeniable talent of inspiring debauchery.

Becca: You are a freewheeler and that is a quality you can never lose. You are always welcome in apt. 2, whenever you want to brave the secret stairwell.

Lyric The Dog: Arf (scampers away)

Director’s Commentary: Alright, now I really wanted to but Jared in the Ladies of Design category, not just to get his goat, but because I think he knows better then anyone that his DO upbringing has largely been as the only brother in a house of sisters. I felt bad about it and decided to give him his own category.

Brother in a House Full of Sisters Category

Jared: Now I don’t know how serious you were about it, but I remember at the end of your first year here I heard through the grapevine and you confirmed to me later that you were considering leaving the paper to go do something stupid . At the time, I remember most of the staff thinking that you were entirely too cocky and tried to do entirely too much and there might have even been an undercurrent school of thought that believed it might be for the best that you leave. I thought it would have been a horrible mistake and remember trying to convince you of that at the foot of the stairs one day. Every time I took a new role of authority at The D.O. I wanted to tear down everything that my predecessor had created so I could remake my new domain in my image. Call it ego, or ignorant arrogance but I think there is something to be said for believing your can change everything for the better in spite of previous failures. I have seen that from you since the day I met you and although it was taken for a brash attitude in the beginning I know that it is an aspect of real leadership you can’t teach. So guess what? You are the senior member of staff now! No one can contain you! I have faith in your judgment.

Everyone Else: Pray for Jared’s sense of self-control.

Answer to a Question that Someone May or May Not Have Asked! Christina, the girl who initially split the copy editor with Copy Katie. She looked like Stimpy for fuck’s sake.

The Guy in the $100 Suit Reading the Duck of the Guy in the $4,000 Suit: C’mon!

Pete Freedman: You have an incredible passion for the trivial and titillating, keep it up. A lot of people shit on The Juice but guess what was more of a draw then half of the worth while news coverage? You have a hard line on what you think should be done and although I think it can, at times, be overly constricting that is an integral part of being comfortable with an outcome. Have fun in Miami, give me a call if I’m down there. We’ll really fuck it up, Broward-style.

Stech: What can I say, you are really really fucking crazy. Stay confident and un-squirrelesqe.

Director’s Commentary: It is about here that I really started to get tired of writing this duck, to any one who thinks I shorted them on their mention I apologize .

Jean: Stop freaking the fuck out. Your politics may be retarded but you might be the sweetest girl on the face of the planet. Also, since normally I find people asking you this question just kind of moronic, I have never asked you, but quite honestly I would kind of like to see you drunk, maybe even just tipsy. Remember, no matter how tight SEAC holds you, The D.O. will always love you more.

Hurricane: I have said to you and others for about as long as I remember that you remind me of myself when I was in my formative years here. More specifically, I always found your dedication and eagerness to pronounce your ‘lifer’ status close to how I operated. Well, as you enter into your new job as head editor allow me to impart some wisdom from someone who has been there. Sharks constantly stay in motion because if they are dormant for too long they die. Never stop moving. My problem at The D.O. was that after I took a head editor job I stopped writing and slowly my passion for it began to falter. It was like I was an addict whose habit was finally broken. If I have a regret, that is it. Don’t let it happen to you, keep moving, stay addicted. You’ll do a great job.

Terry: You are just the man for the Special Projects position. Keep you pimp hand strong and never trust a government official. Also, keep your fucking shoes and keys off the beer pong table .

Kovach: You know, it was my dream to be News Editor my second semester freshman year, but I was passed over for the position. I don’t really hold a grudge about it , but I always wondered what would have happened if I did take over. Follow your instincts and trust your gut, you may have a young staff but you also have a wealth of experience all around you throughout the rest of the house. In case I don’t talk to you after May here is my message: Man, that movie was really kind of sucky huh?

The New News Kids: The News Department will always be my home, the section that I love over all the others. Remember to always field a News Room All-Stars beer pong team on Thursdays and don’t fuck up the section. As long as you always remember that, you should be just fine.

Snowflake: If you ever need someone off’d just shout a holler across the street. Keep it real and drink some Strongbow no matter how gay Gainor says it is .

Elyse: Right now you are reading copy right behind me and you have no idea that this random typing you hear is what you are reading right now. See, I can type some shit right now behind your back and you would never know….. FUCK YOU. See, you didn’t even turn around. Remember to always stick up for state’s rights. It’s what southerners do.

Devon: Thanks for the Sandman comics.

Amy McKeever: I love that the Margaret Thatcher thing stuck. I will always remember our drunken conversation outside of the blues bar in London, and the fact that I drunkenly outwitted you . Come back to The D.O. and write your ass off, we need this.

Jippy: Me, you, Thunder Dan and Gainor could quite possibly be the most talented quartet I had ever seen at the time. You became an alcoholic and then apparently you reformed. I wish we had hung out a little more before you left but oh well. Stay Jippy, you are the only one we have. Colin: You are one crazy bastard. I regret not knowing you better.

Kristen: Top Five Wes Anderson movies-1) The Royal Tenenbaums2) Rushmore3) Bottle Rocket4) The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou5) He hasn’t made five movies

Laney: You are so quiet, maybe you will talk more as the ad designer. I hope so.

The Orlando Team

Anthony: If you weren’t my brother in arms, I would fucking hate you. I talk to you guys way too much drunk to really have anything to say in this duck.

Reo: You too.

Rachel: You too.

Penguins With Out Pants: Alright, for the record, I was so desperate to do comedy that I tried out twice. Not that I am bitter . Here’s to a fucking killer semester of dick jokes, lame audiences and (of course) trite and overwritten material. Jake, Lief, Dan, Megan, Luddy, Tyler, Sterba, Stef and Jessica … let’s go bomb!

Erik: Transfer to Syracuse, it is the only way. I am lucky to have a brother as cool as you, but this Orlando thing has to go. Take your rightful place at 744 Ostrom Ave. and when you write your duck, say that this was the turning point of your life.

Ron: So Pittsburgh isn’t going to the Super Bowl this year. You are still the man and the reminder that if I step out of line, someone is there to give me a good old fashioned ass whuppin’.

Mom: You are the reason I do anything in life. A constant reminder that anything I go through is a fucking piece of cake and that I should demolish that cake and keep moving forward. I will buy you that BMW one day, my only hope is that you haven’t gotten rich enough to buy yourself one first.

Answer to a Question that Someone May or May Not Have Asked! Mr. Big Stuff.

Answer to a Question that Someone May or May Not Have Asked! Alright, not Mr. Big Stuff, just a guy with a beard and dream. And a mediocre work drive to accomplish that dream.

Final Thoughts:

Alright, this is it. To anyone reading this who left the D.O. and regretted the decision or are thinking of leaving but are afraid of missing it, then consider this notice that all your fears have been realized. I loved every second of my time here and couldn’t image a collegiate career without showing up to 5:30 meeting and destroying pup food. In my freshman year, I sometimes had panic attacks when the pressure seemed too high. For the first time since I got used to handling the job, I have started having panic attacks about leaving it. I may have slacked in writing, but it will be a long time before I am used to not being here.So here it is, I guess I should surrender my badge and my gun, so here. Wait… you didn’t give me the gun? Okay, so, then, I’m just going to keep it. Cool? Rock on.

This is it, don’t get scared now.- Kevin McCallistor

Justin Young

Director’s Commentary: A fucking Home Alone quote? What the fuck?

The following duck was dedicated to the memory of Gus Anzalone, an iguana who died peacefully at his home in Huntington, N.Y. this week.

Gus Anzalone1995-2005You are now gone, make god rock

Published on January 27, 2005 at 12:00 pm