Yesterday, officials from Syracuse University’s Department of Health Services issued a hotnews e-mail confirming what many students and administrators have feared for the past several millennia: Syracuse gets cold in the winter.

‘When it is extremely cold, and especially if there are high winds, try to stay indoors as much as possible,’ says the hotnews dispatch, which many students have concluded is anything but hot.

As the campus reels from yesterday’s shocking revelation about the unexpected changes in Central New York’s normally temperate climate, students across campus are in a state of panic. The e-mail suggested warmth implements like ‘hats’ and so-called ‘scarves’ (cloth instruments designed to shield a vulnerable student’s exposed neck and lower jaw area), which are flying off the shelves. We can only pray students learn how to use them before the impending cold front of doom obliterates us all.

The e-mail went on to detail several steps to avoid this phantom weather, which may or may not be the first sign of the apocalypse:

n’Avoid Ice.’ According to the latest research in thermodynamics, ‘ice’ forms when the temperature of water drops below 32 degrees Fahrenheit – what is known in elite scientific circles as ‘the freezing point.’ The cold, slippery substance forms on roads and sidewalks, making pedestrian travel risky if not altogether impossible. ‘Walking around’ the ice, health officials say, is the best way to avoid it.

n’Dress warmly and stay dry.’ The only way for students to protect themselves against uncomfortable weather is to wear cloth material that separates their bodies from the scathing elements. This material comes in various forms to fit most bodily appendages and is necessary, health officials say, to ward off the sudden and unexpected scourge of what some students are calling ‘the icy hand of death.’

n’If you must travel, tell someone your destination and when you expect to arrive.’ For instance, a student who lives in Watson Hall and must travel to Kimmel for half a bagel with light cream cheese might say, ‘I am going across the street. I may never return, so please tell my parents I love them.’

The possibility of survival for members of the campus community is unknown at this point, but students are advised to follow Health Services’ advice and to disobey them at their own peril.

In this confusing time of climactic disarray, only one thing is certain – if the frostbite doesn’t kill us, hotnews will.

Colin Dabkowski is a senior magazine and Spanish major. E-mail him at colin@dailyorange.com.

Published on January 14, 2004 at 12:00 pm